Lately it seems as if one thing comes after another. My life isn't usually this eventful. Some of it's good and some of it's bad, but seriously..the bad has really been getting be down lately. I'm usually a pretty positive person no matter what happens, but all of this crud has just got me feeling down in the dumps. I got sick this week and it's got me moping around like it's more than just a cold. I haven't been sick in over a year and a half. Not once, and this is how I act? I'm ready to just tell myself to suck it up and get over it. I want to go back to being my normal self so bad. The Kaitlyn that always has a smile on her face. Whenever she speaks she can barely speak because she's got such a huge smile on her face, the one that is so happy with the way life is going that it just oozes out of her.
I have so many different reasons to be smiling right now, too. Through the bad so many good things are happening and I can only thank Jesus for providing for me. First it was me finding this summer camp to work at and being so enthusiastic about it, and feeling confident that I would get the job because it was almost like God had already confirmed things with me. I ended up getting the job and I can't wait for this summer. I am ALMOST counting down the days! I am also flying up to Illinois to see my favorite band in concert, and hang out with some amazing people from their message boards for a couple of days. That's more than I could ask for! THEN my secret sister from church [I don't know who..it's a secret DUH!], gave me TWO tickets to go see the Newsboys in concert as an early birthday present. Seriously..how much better could things be? I feel like I should be on cloud nine right now, yet I still feel like i'm down in the dumps. God has provided for me in so many ways just when I need it. The only thing that I can think of is the fact that I am still having a problem with the passing of my Grandma, and the fact that I haven't been spending time with God like I should. Please pray for me.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Maybe I'm not okay...
Ever have one of those days where everything seems to all come crashing down at once? That's been my day, for sure. I hadn't been to church in two weeks because life has been crazy and i've been out of town. Usually after I go to church, I feel refreshed and new and I come away with something. Not today. Things really really just got to me a lot. Everything was getting to me so much that I couldn't even focus. It's like a war is raging inside me and I honestly have NO idea what the heck I'm supposed to do. I haven't actually sat down and read my bible and had God time in I don't even know how long. I always come up with an excuse not to do it, and I know that's not the way it should be. Which could be my problem. Losing my Grandma has certainly taken a toll on me and all of my family, and i've been trying to keep it together and I think it's time that I face it and just say I can't. She's gone in Heaven, there's nothing I can do about that. I know she's not suffering any longer and let me just say, she's amazing. Amazing for living such a good life here on earth, and then going to live eternally with Jesus Christ and her life there is going to be so much more amazing there, too. It just hurts so much to see my family struggling the way that they are without her here. Seeing my mom struggling every day to get through a daily task is so difficult. I want so much to just take the pain away from her, but I can't. Knowing that I can't talk to her on the phone anymore, or hear her voice when I walk into their house tears me apart inside.
What it really comes down to is the fact that i'm having a really hard time with this. A harder time than I thought I would. I've tried to push my feelings away for the past year and two months and it's not happening anymore. I hate showing the way i really feel and letting people know that I am hurting. I can't do that anymore. I just can't. If i've been short with you these past few weeks, or if i've become frustrated for no reason, or if i've just been quiet and don't know what to say, it's because I'm trying to figure out how to grieve. It's not that I don't want to have anything to do with you, it's just that I need my space somedays and need to be left alone. That doesn't mean I don't want you around, but I need you guys to understand that i'm just having a hard time.
What it really comes down to is the fact that i'm having a really hard time with this. A harder time than I thought I would. I've tried to push my feelings away for the past year and two months and it's not happening anymore. I hate showing the way i really feel and letting people know that I am hurting. I can't do that anymore. I just can't. If i've been short with you these past few weeks, or if i've become frustrated for no reason, or if i've just been quiet and don't know what to say, it's because I'm trying to figure out how to grieve. It's not that I don't want to have anything to do with you, it's just that I need my space somedays and need to be left alone. That doesn't mean I don't want you around, but I need you guys to understand that i'm just having a hard time.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Sweet kisses.
My Grandma passed away on Monday March 2nd, 2009. It's been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. She was very special to my whole family. She touched people's lives outside of the family. Whether she was at the grocery store or at the beauty parlor..she was always lighting up lives. She was the one person, no matter what she said to me, she could always make me smile from encouragement. She brought out the best in others and was always putting others before herself. Here are some of my favorite memories:
1. Sitting on her lap, facing her in the rocking chair, sticking her coin necklace into her mouth and her spitting it out saying "I am not coin operated."
2. My cousin Monique and I spending the night at our Grandparents house and waking up the next morning to my Grandma asking "Do you want ice cream for breakfast?" With waffles, of course.
3. Her teaching me how to do a "ballet bun".
4. Going swimming in the pool at their house and jumping off the diving board asking if she could score us on our jumps.
5. Finding a trail of bobby pins all throughout the house that had fallen out of her hair.
6. Watching her put her powder on and freshen up.
7. The sweet smell of my grandparents bathroom and all of the powder on the floor from my Grandma.
8. Playing restaurant at the bar in their house with a bunch of licorice and gummy bears.
9. Teaching her how to play spit with me and her becoming equally as good as I was.
10. Her rubbing my head when I was really sick in 7th grade. Somehow her touch made the horrible headaches and tummy aches go away.
11. Watching her do all of her crafts and then teaching them to me, too.
12. The sight of a word search book at her side all the time and her teaching me how to best spot the words. I still use those tips to this day.
13. Her laugh, her smile and her bright blue eyes.
14. The fact that we both got extra turkey wings on Thanksgiving because that's really the best part.
15. Her teaching me how to put a pony tail holder in my hair and my frustration every time I messed it up.
16. The way she always called "Hello" whenever you walked into the house.
17. Her pasta salad on Christmas and in the summer.
18. The way she would always go above and beyond on all holidays for her family.
19. The 'banana apple stuff' that she always made on Thanksgiving. In case you haven't figured it out, she was a great cook!
20. The way she comforted me when I was so sad after losing my Grandpa on my Dad's side of the family. The way she sat there and just wrapped me up in her arms and told me that it would be okay. Then she offered me some of her oatmeal cookies.
That is exactly how my Grandma was. It's so hard to imagine life without her, but I know for a fact that she is up in Heaven smiling down at all of us. No more pain and suffering.
Rest In Peace
Grandma Edna
June 5th, 1936-March 2nd, 2009
16.
1. Sitting on her lap, facing her in the rocking chair, sticking her coin necklace into her mouth and her spitting it out saying "I am not coin operated."
2. My cousin Monique and I spending the night at our Grandparents house and waking up the next morning to my Grandma asking "Do you want ice cream for breakfast?" With waffles, of course.
3. Her teaching me how to do a "ballet bun".
4. Going swimming in the pool at their house and jumping off the diving board asking if she could score us on our jumps.
5. Finding a trail of bobby pins all throughout the house that had fallen out of her hair.
6. Watching her put her powder on and freshen up.
7. The sweet smell of my grandparents bathroom and all of the powder on the floor from my Grandma.
8. Playing restaurant at the bar in their house with a bunch of licorice and gummy bears.
9. Teaching her how to play spit with me and her becoming equally as good as I was.
10. Her rubbing my head when I was really sick in 7th grade. Somehow her touch made the horrible headaches and tummy aches go away.
11. Watching her do all of her crafts and then teaching them to me, too.
12. The sight of a word search book at her side all the time and her teaching me how to best spot the words. I still use those tips to this day.
13. Her laugh, her smile and her bright blue eyes.
14. The fact that we both got extra turkey wings on Thanksgiving because that's really the best part.
15. Her teaching me how to put a pony tail holder in my hair and my frustration every time I messed it up.
16. The way she always called "Hello" whenever you walked into the house.
17. Her pasta salad on Christmas and in the summer.
18. The way she would always go above and beyond on all holidays for her family.
19. The 'banana apple stuff' that she always made on Thanksgiving. In case you haven't figured it out, she was a great cook!
20. The way she comforted me when I was so sad after losing my Grandpa on my Dad's side of the family. The way she sat there and just wrapped me up in her arms and told me that it would be okay. Then she offered me some of her oatmeal cookies.
That is exactly how my Grandma was. It's so hard to imagine life without her, but I know for a fact that she is up in Heaven smiling down at all of us. No more pain and suffering.
Rest In Peace
Grandma Edna
June 5th, 1936-March 2nd, 2009
16.
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